The Flotsam Chronicles

Aristocracy

2012-01-28T16:48:00.000-08:00

Found. A class of execptional recruits. To catch fish? Not so much. The "fishing" algorithm over the years seems to be withering towards economics and NOT catching fish. Yet people come, yet people come. They say 10% of fisherman catch 90% of the fish. The majority of those 90% are rich assholes who have no idea why they're out there in the first place. To be fair, some of them are normal people who just suck.

Who's Eggs?

2012-01-28T16:21:00.000-08:00

Found. Donna. In Malawi. Didn't even know she was here. Apparently, she accrues eggs.

We all have to be something

2012-01-28T15:54:00.000-08:00

Lost. America's identity. Don't we all wish we could just claim something and actually stick with it. Bi-partisan Congress, I'm looking at you. Big government, small government, increase taxes, lower taxes, stimulus meddling, pro-life, pro-choice. Why do they hide behind mirrors and fill their own heads with smoke into pretending they actually care about you and me? Look to the anteater Congress...don't fake the funk.

Babe?

2012-01-20T21:01:00.000-08:00

Found. A blue elk. Mounted. Could Paul Bunyan have turned against his compatriot? And potentially have been a really bad zoologist? And hid out in a Madison apartment for a hundred odd years moonlighting as a taxidermist? Elk does go better with red wine.

Freeze Gopher!!!

2011-12-16T20:59:00.000-08:00

Found. The Bill Murray nemesis. A big hitter, the Lama....long. Ok, not really a gopher but let's let this one go for me....I miss Caddyshack so much.

Deeeez Nutzzzz

2011-12-16T20:48:00.000-08:00

Found. A squirrel tryin' to get a nut. Who knew they could move your butt to the dance floor? C&C Music Factory, that's who....and this squirrel.

Damn

2011-12-16T20:39:00.000-08:00

Lost. My youth. This kid is so happy. He's watching fireworks....in Idaho...in kick-ass pajamas... in his driveway. What happens when we grow old? I thought we were supposed to get smarter.

Monkey See Monkey Climb

2011-06-04T16:51:00.000-07:00

Lost. The reach of my monkey. If you're going to rehab a monkey in your home, make sure you can get to him. Its important, like when you have to go to work and your monkey doesn't.

Badger Cat

2011-06-04T16:35:00.000-07:00

Found. An animal that will rip another of its kind to shreds but is friendly towards the alma mater. Wolverines and Gophers are forewarned however, don't let the missing leg (not pictured- yes thats a pun people...I think) fool you, this thing can hone in and destroy its enemy in seconds. But he also sleeps a lot and can be catapulted across the room...only to fall asleep in seconds. So stealth is not really an issue for retaliation...

Smokey Pants

2011-06-04T16:13:00.000-07:00

Lost. My nerve. This was the 2nd or 3rd bear we saw that day. Three was enough. Yes, I know he's small but mom had to be nearby. And he hissed at me. Hissed. Bears aren't supposed to hiss. You see those teeth? Neither do I, but I know they're there dammit.

tax dollars at work

2010-10-16T15:23:00.000-07:00

Lost. Any semblance of intelligence. Approximately 80% (this may be conservative) of road signs in Alaska have at least one bullet hole in them. If said road sign is telling you not to do something, or such an action may bring consequences, well, you can go ahead and multiple that number by 15. Who pays for new road signs again??? (editor's note: check out my funky artwork)

Hooked

2010-10-16T14:54:00.000-07:00

Found. The most trite pun of all time. But this guy loves to fish I tell ya. And he is good at it. When he's not catching himself.

Migraine Alert!

2010-10-16T14:00:00.000-07:00

Found. Sage advice. My girlfriend took this course to prevent getting her head lopped off by a helicopter. It totally worked. Thanks copter safety man. Plus, I'm glad I'm not dating a 7 foot freak who can't catch her own head. You gotta look it in.

Leggo my ego

2010-10-16T13:53:00.000-07:00

Lost. An ego. How refreshing. Anyone willing to be seen in a Mazda convertible has clearly given up. Any bets on whether or not he wears sweatpants to work?

B A N A N A S!

2010-10-16T13:37:00.000-07:00

Found. A dude willing to put on a gorilla suit for 3 plus hours, wallow in his own sweat and BO, to be compensated with point-blank cleavage. Let's face it: He's not getting paid for this, and there are a few thousand guys waiting for him to quit. Creepy or genius? Creepy genius.

Rootin' Tootin'

2010-09-17T23:19:00.000-07:00

Found. Yosemite Sam hot sauce. It comes a blazin'. At breakfast no less. I don't see any reason to draw, however. Wyatt, Doc, Billy, and the boys are long gone. It's just hot sauce.

Nailed!

2010-09-17T23:00:00.000-07:00

Found. Quite possibly the largest hammer in existence. "Duh, Troutslayer", you say, "It's outside the Hammer Museum in Haines, Alaska." "Hammer museum?", I say, "No such thing." To which you reply, "It's taller than a friggin' telephone pole. It's an big MC Hammer." "Hmmm", I say, "Can't touch this!"

In the red

2010-09-17T22:45:00.000-07:00

Lost. T-shirt. Eyeballs. Feet. I mean, who brings a blind, shirtless, footless baby on a subway and lets them fumble about unattended? Bad things bound to happen here, you dig?

Let's start with family, shall we?

2010-08-07T00:45:00.000-07:00

Lost. Genetics 101. We can't erase our parents. Can we?

What will it take to get you in this car today?

2010-08-06T23:54:00.000-07:00

Lost. A lemon. Dammit, so I grabbed a goddamn grapefruit instead. But still, imagine a car, and a lemon, and a lemon in a car. I would have unlimited leverage..and jokes...to play with salesmen/dorks, for trade-in value.

Pass the soap

2010-06-12T01:28:00.000-07:00

Found. A fur-ball in my hotel shower. I paid for the highway noise and the privilege to stay next to a crack-head, but was completely unaware of the shower rights.

Goin Once? Goin...ah, shit...

2010-06-12T01:16:00.000-07:00

Lost. 4 wheels. Yup. 4 wheels. And a clutch...carburator...whatever it takes to make a vehicle go forth. Hey scoob, no ghosts!!!!

Baseball Fever. Catch it!

2010-04-10T22:06:00.000-07:00

Lost. My understanding of women. Green Man has a girlfriend. How? Why?

Steak dinner

2010-04-10T19:45:00.000-07:00

Found. Dancing girls equipped with quivers. And good shots at that. Beware fellas. Beware.

Medical Marvel

2010-04-10T19:35:00.000-07:00

Found. Jack. Currently residing in Arizona. And apparently with fingers reattached. You would have to actually follow this blog to get this reference, so, never mind.

Starlite Starbrite

2010-02-19T23:17:00.000-08:00

Found. Fisher -Santa. Ho-ho-holy mackeral! "Christmas was months ago", you say. To which Troutslayer replies, "Leave me alone. Happy New Year."

All weather radials

2010-02-16T23:49:00.000-08:00

Lost. The Michelin Snowman. Almost as elusive as the Sasquatch. Must have 4 wheel drive, Onstar and a corn-cob pipe holder. Yeah, I don't get it either. Not the corn-cob pipe, the blog.

Which came first?

2010-02-16T23:38:00.000-08:00

The beer bong or the frisbee? Who knows? Lost. College memories. Many, many, pre-game football memories...game football memories...post-game football memories. You get the idea. On a safety note, at least we all rode that bike home.

Here kitty kitty

2010-01-16T19:25:00.000-08:00

Found. A serious discussion between myself and this girl, regarding the dimensions of her hand. "Do you have extremely small hands?", I ask. "No", she replies, "this mountain lion is extremely large." "Oh, in that case, do you know of any nearby port-o-potties?"

Just the essentials

2010-01-16T19:17:00.000-08:00

Lost. Toothpicks. Vodka, whiskey, bloody mary mix and beer; whew!. Beef jerky; yes sir. Propane and charcoal; of course. Water; sure. Coffee presser; you didn't see that. A couple fishing rods soaking in a pot; check. Now where the hell are those toothpicks?

What a grand place

2010-01-16T19:09:00.000-08:00

Found. A huge friggin' canyon somewhere in Arizona. So huge, I'd bet you could see it from space. Someone should write about this place. Seriously, its pretty big.

Market Fresh

2009-10-20T11:29:00.000-07:00

Found. Surely a record brown trout - floating comfortably on the roof of the local grocer. If I could catch him, I'd quit fishing. No I wouldn't.

Thee ole blarney bar

2009-10-09T14:03:00.000-07:00

Found. An Irish lass filled with boredom and armed with ketchup. Possible regret on her part as drunk patrons attempted to cash in.

Beware of the one-legged Sasquatch

2009-10-09T13:48:00.000-07:00

Lost. My buddy's sock. Came back to camp hoping to find our gear sun-dried and fish-ready. Who steals one sock?

Heavy things man, heavy things.

2009-10-09T13:35:00.000-07:00

Found. The world's strongest wood-covered bridge. By my calculation, this engineering feat holds up to 80,000 lbs. Good thing...in case a fleet of army tanks roll through this part of Oregon.

A bit cairned away?

2009-10-09T13:29:00.000-07:00

Found. The path. How could one lose it? Ok, this particular blog sucks, but I needed to get rid of this picture, because it too, sucks.

Einstein

2009-09-26T21:23:00.000-07:00

Found. An entreprenuer. Then again, there may be better ways to lure customers. You have a whole frickin, gigantic sign at your disposal. I digress.

Last Summer or this summer?

2009-09-26T21:19:00.000-07:00

Lost. My recollection of what I did. I mean, it could be so much. Did I maybe miss the boundaries of the urinal last night. Damn, its tough walking around as a suspect.

Sconnie Nation

2009-09-26T21:14:00.000-07:00

Found. Bucky Badger. And right between the Jack and Drambuie no less. Something tells me he will feel right at home.

Save a lion's heart

2009-08-15T20:18:00.000-07:00

Found. Oz public advertizing at the Loaf n Jug. The oompa-loompas will be so pleased. Oh wait, thats a different story. Must be the gas fumes.

Speechless

2009-08-08T19:20:00.000-07:00

Lost. Words. Mine. This pretty much sums it up for me. I guess I could end the blog right here and now. But I won't. Not that anyone cares or reads it, but the dork-0-meter needs just a few more quarts to have a full tank.

Any time is a good time for cake

2009-08-08T19:14:00.000-07:00

Found. A die hard fishermen. Way more dedicated than the self proclaimed "troutslayer". This guy is a little stiff around the edges but he holds onto fish with no equal. And when its time for dinner, the spatula is right there, firmly glued to the head.

Rippin' lips

2009-07-25T20:14:00.000-07:00

Found. Trout politico. I'm pretty sure I know where this guy falls on the Gitmo debate.

Eggs Whatever

2009-07-24T19:45:00.000-07:00

Found. Breakfast beer. Actually, the beer can be any style or flavor as anything will compliment this fine morning cuisine. The key to "Eggs Whatever" is to not be picky. Just be hungry. Many a culinary pro cannot produce such a feast. This will get you through a long day on the river...after no less than a couple trips to the outhouse first of course.

Nutrition 101

2009-07-24T19:36:00.000-07:00

Found. Enough of the 4 food groups to sustain a living. But you can toss the eggs and the pita bread. The 3 day old rice (my estimate) and the "Old Mill" should get you by. Ah to be young and mildly healthy again...

Good luck charm

2009-07-15T18:06:00.000-07:00

Lost. The space between this guy's mouth and that of a fine brown trout. Though I am happy to report the creature was released unharmed...if not a bit bewildered.

Check your shorts cowboys and girls

2009-07-15T16:15:00.000-07:00

Lost. This bronc's sense of direction. It looks as though he is running right at me and about to slam into the gait. And that is in fact what he did. A crude but effective method of bucking a dude off your back. Come to think of it, maybe his internal compass works just fine.

Calamity Jane on a Stick

2009-07-15T16:00:00.000-07:00

Found. The 2nd Amendment fully intact. Apparently, this town holds a pretty strict parking code. At least on one side of the street. I'm almost positive she's not using a revolver. I digress.

Jackpot

2009-07-15T15:54:00.000-07:00

Found. An entire pool of cougars just floating around and waiting for solicitation. Fellas rejoice!

Amercian League or National?

2009-06-18T21:13:00.000-07:00

Found. Rabid fans that may rival Red Sox Nation. Except these folks use hooks instead of gloves. Still, a three game series would be fun to watch...and tough to predict. I've seen some wicked curves, potent sliders and hefty batsmen out here.

The Reflex

2009-06-11T21:40:00.000-07:00

Lost. Let's see: A spleen, a couple kidneys, four legs, some eardrums, a tongue, numerous lymph nodes...well you get the idea. I couldn't help but let Duran Duran's 'Hungry Like a Wolf' penetrate the brain on this one. Does that make me a bit strange?

Good wood

2009-06-11T21:32:00.000-07:00

Found. The Sasquatch Paul Bunyun. Ok, I can't actually verify a sighting but who else could chop this much lumber?

RRReally?

2009-05-30T15:30:00.000-07:00

Found. R's made from scratch. I've heard of Indians and I've heard of tacos, but Indian Tacos? Little Chief? WTF? Must be important with a last name like Restaurant.

Check Please

2009-05-29T20:00:00.000-07:00

Found. A crocodile stuck in a buck's antlers. I know what you are going to say: "But Troutslayer, that doesn't seem possible." To which I reply: "Have another beer you idiot...and pay in cash."

Paging Crockett and Tubbs

2009-05-29T19:49:00.000-07:00

Lost. The 80's. But not this fully preserved clamshell print Miami edition bedset. Eat your heart out Martha Stewart. I like to call it the Black Light Special.

Pace Yourself

2009-05-19T21:05:00.000-07:00

Found. Somebody who moves slower than me in the morning after a few beers. I wanted to read and go to bed but he insisted on a marathon round of quarters. He must feel like I look and vice versa.

Slayed

2009-05-17T01:45:00.000-07:00

Found. A trout. Figured it only appropriate to show a pic if someone is so egocentric as to call themselves a slayer. A loser, yes. A slayer, well.....

Jack The Gripper

2009-05-15T18:57:00.000-07:00

Lost. A finger. And a thumb....presuming Jack is either a man or ape....and Jill pushed him into the wood chipper again.

Ahoy Matey!

2009-05-08T17:53:00.000-07:00

Lost. A chromosome perhaps? This lady was as sweet as could be...and the kid turned out ok...but that guy had no tact...just a blank stare and a poorly rotated left arm.

Can I can get an APB out on a runaway barn?

2009-05-01T18:33:00.000-07:00

Found. John's barn. Thank goodness he labeled it. You know how these things can away from you. Kids.

Buck em' cowboy!!!

2009-05-01T18:27:00.000-07:00

Lost. Contact. Between this bull and a poor student from Montana State University. Yes people, college broncin'...for credit. Does it get any better?

My Indiana Jones moment

2009-04-18T21:09:00.000-07:00

Lost. The contents of my colon prior to almost stepping on this, this thing. Yes, I know its tiny and its even dead....but its orange and its creepy. Truth be told, I hate snakes.

Oh crap!

2009-04-06T20:53:00.000-07:00

Lost. Toilet paper. I got the seat ready-though in a precarious position at that. Maybe crack boy left it there. Which begs the question, does heroine give you the runs?

Got drugs?

2009-04-06T20:44:00.000-07:00

Found. More than one seringe. Just in case you need a back-up. What better way to enjoy the pleasant view of the nearby waterfall you may ask? Well, with some good ole fashioned heroine naturally. Duh. Good thing I didn't trip and fall here (pun intended). I may still be seeing those striped buffalo.

Shuttlecock anyone?

2009-03-21T19:10:00.000-07:00

Found. My memory of 7th grade gym class when I drilled my cute, female opponent in the head with a missle not much different from this one. I've been turning off women ever since.

The Whiteness

2009-03-07T14:14:00.000-08:00

Lost. This dude's sense of self. Anybody willing to put this on their vehicle and subject themselves to endless ridicule, has to be a dork. I can't say just how big, but it has to be substantial. Has to be.

You snooze you lose

2009-03-07T14:06:00.000-08:00

Found. Firewood. And under this dead bear's chin no less.

The Gatekeeper

2009-02-24T23:31:00.000-08:00

Lost. Then found. This seems to be an ongoing battle between my buddy and his wife as to whether this is appropriate front porch decor. He is patriotic. He looks prepared for the Wisconsin elements. Keep him on the porch for cryin' out loud! God bless America and god bless Lil' Chad!

Roads? Where we're goin, we don't need roads

2009-02-21T20:17:00.000-08:00

Found. Jesus. Really. He was just chillin at the park with his ipod and rippin air guitar, so I asked him if he needed a lift. Now he just rides on my dashboard and watches the speed zones for me. Such a nice fellow.

Shirts off!

2009-02-20T18:08:00.000-08:00

Lost. This guy's shirt. One might presume that it was warm on this bright and sunny day, but one would be wrong. If you have the shirt, give it back. Please.

I don't read so good

2009-02-19T15:28:00.000-08:00

Found on the river today. Clearly, this lovely tree ornament was intended for the Teacher Of The Year but never reached its destination. If you are the Teacher Of The Year, step up and claim your prize. And no Mr. Otis, it isn't you.

I can fix it

2009-02-18T20:28:00.000-08:00

Found!!!!!! My Mad Dog 20/20 tool kit. Thank God.

The Vis

2009-02-18T20:17:00.001-08:00

Lost. My doggy. Ok, we gave him away when I was in 7th grade because my mom didn't want him shredding the curtains at the new house. So, I stole this one. He is old, howls at shadows on the wall, and likes to wipe his eye snot on my pants in the morning before I go to work but other than that, a damn fine replacement.

Shark!

2009-02-18T14:21:00.000-08:00

Found. But more like harpooned. A big fish in the murky depths. By this old dude. He invited me into his hut for a breakfast sandwhich. Then he threw a spear into an icy hole and asked me to pull on the rope attached. He suggested we take the creature home and cut him up into steaks. How can one object to a man who needs a four-pronged stick to get around?

Howdy

2009-02-18T14:01:00.000-08:00

Welcome. Please don't hurt me, for I am a delicate flower. Feel free to pollinate and share your own version of life wreckage, baggage, findage, and other trinkets. (note to PETA: look away)