Market Fresh

Found. Surely a record brown trout - floating comfortably on the roof of the local grocer. If I could catch him, I'd quit fishing. No I wouldn't.

Thee ole blarney bar

Found. An Irish lass filled with boredom and armed with ketchup. Possible regret on her part as drunk patrons attempted to cash in.

Beware of the one-legged Sasquatch

Lost. My buddy's sock. Came back to camp hoping to find our gear sun-dried and fish-ready. Who steals one sock?

Heavy things man, heavy things.

Found. The world's strongest wood-covered bridge. By my calculation, this engineering feat holds up to 80,000 lbs. Good thing...in case a fleet of army tanks roll through this part of Oregon.

A bit cairned away?

Found. The path. How could one lose it? Ok, this particular blog sucks, but I needed to get rid of this picture, because it too, sucks.

Einstein

Found. An entreprenuer. Then again, there may be better ways to lure customers. You have a whole frickin, gigantic sign at your disposal. I digress.

Last Summer or this summer?

Lost. My recollection of what I did. I mean, it could be so much. Did I maybe miss the boundaries of the urinal last night. Damn, its tough walking around as a suspect.

Sconnie Nation

Found. Bucky Badger. And right between the Jack and Drambuie no less. Something tells me he will feel right at home.

Save a lion's heart

Found. Oz public advertizing at the Loaf n Jug. The oompa-loompas will be so pleased. Oh wait, thats a different story. Must be the gas fumes.

Speechless

Lost. Words. Mine. This pretty much sums it up for me. I guess I could end the blog right here and now. But I won't. Not that anyone cares or reads it, but the dork-0-meter needs just a few more quarts to have a full tank.

Any time is a good time for cake

Found. A die hard fishermen. Way more dedicated than the self proclaimed "troutslayer". This guy is a little stiff around the edges but he holds onto fish with no equal. And when its time for dinner, the spatula is right there, firmly glued to the head.

Rippin' lips

Found. Trout politico. I'm pretty sure I know where this guy falls on the Gitmo debate.

Eggs Whatever

Found. Breakfast beer. Actually, the beer can be any style or flavor as anything will compliment this fine morning cuisine. The key to "Eggs Whatever" is to not be picky. Just be hungry. Many a culinary pro cannot produce such a feast. This will get you through a long day on the river...after no less than a couple trips to the outhouse first of course.

Nutrition 101

Found. Enough of the 4 food groups to sustain a living. But you can toss the eggs and the pita bread. The 3 day old rice (my estimate) and the "Old Mill" should get you by. Ah to be young and mildly healthy again...

Good luck charm

Lost. The space between this guy's mouth and that of a fine brown trout. Though I am happy to report the creature was released unharmed...if not a bit bewildered.

Check your shorts cowboys and girls

Lost. This bronc's sense of direction. It looks as though he is running right at me and about to slam into the gait. And that is in fact what he did. A crude but effective method of bucking a dude off your back. Come to think of it, maybe his internal compass works just fine.

Calamity Jane on a Stick

Found. The 2nd Amendment fully intact. Apparently, this town holds a pretty strict parking code. At least on one side of the street. I'm almost positive she's not using a revolver. I digress.

Jackpot

Found. An entire pool of cougars just floating around and waiting for solicitation. Fellas rejoice!

Amercian League or National?

Found. Rabid fans that may rival Red Sox Nation. Except these folks use hooks instead of gloves. Still, a three game series would be fun to watch...and tough to predict. I've seen some wicked curves, potent sliders and hefty batsmen out here.

The Reflex

Lost. Let's see: A spleen, a couple kidneys, four legs, some eardrums, a tongue, numerous lymph nodes...well you get the idea. I couldn't help but let Duran Duran's 'Hungry Like a Wolf' penetrate the brain on this one. Does that make me a bit strange?

Good wood

Found. The Sasquatch Paul Bunyun. Ok, I can't actually verify a sighting but who else could chop this much lumber?

RRReally?

Found. R's made from scratch. I've heard of Indians and I've heard of tacos, but Indian Tacos? Little Chief? WTF? Must be important with a last name like Restaurant.

Check Please

Found. A crocodile stuck in a buck's antlers. I know what you are going to say: "But Troutslayer, that doesn't seem possible." To which I reply: "Have another beer you idiot...and pay in cash."

Paging Crockett and Tubbs

Lost. The 80's. But not this fully preserved clamshell print Miami edition bedset. Eat your heart out Martha Stewart. I like to call it the Black Light Special.

Pace Yourself

Found. Somebody who moves slower than me in the morning after a few beers. I wanted to read and go to bed but he insisted on a marathon round of quarters. He must feel like I look and vice versa.

Slayed

Found. A trout. Figured it only appropriate to show a pic if someone is so egocentric as to call themselves a slayer. A loser, yes. A slayer, well.....

Jack The Gripper

Lost. A finger. And a thumb....presuming Jack is either a man or ape....and Jill pushed him into the wood chipper again.

Ahoy Matey!

Lost. A chromosome perhaps? This lady was as sweet as could be...and the kid turned out ok...but that guy had no tact...just a blank stare and a poorly rotated left arm.

Can I can get an APB out on a runaway barn?

Found. John's barn. Thank goodness he labeled it. You know how these things can away from you. Kids.

Buck em' cowboy!!!

Lost. Contact. Between this bull and a poor student from Montana State University. Yes people, college broncin'...for credit. Does it get any better?

My Indiana Jones moment

Lost. The contents of my colon prior to almost stepping on this, this thing. Yes, I know its tiny and its even dead....but its orange and its creepy. Truth be told, I hate snakes.

Oh crap!

Lost. Toilet paper. I got the seat ready-though in a precarious position at that. Maybe crack boy left it there. Which begs the question, does heroine give you the runs?

Got drugs?

Found. More than one seringe. Just in case you need a back-up. What better way to enjoy the pleasant view of the nearby waterfall you may ask? Well, with some good ole fashioned heroine naturally. Duh. Good thing I didn't trip and fall here (pun intended). I may still be seeing those striped buffalo.

Shuttlecock anyone?

Found. My memory of 7th grade gym class when I drilled my cute, female opponent in the head with a missle not much different from this one. I've been turning off women ever since.

The Whiteness

Lost. This dude's sense of self. Anybody willing to put this on their vehicle and subject themselves to endless ridicule, has to be a dork. I can't say just how big, but it has to be substantial. Has to be.

You snooze you lose

Found. Firewood. And under this dead bear's chin no less.

The Gatekeeper

Lost. Then found. This seems to be an ongoing battle between my buddy and his wife as to whether this is appropriate front porch decor. He is patriotic. He looks prepared for the Wisconsin elements. Keep him on the porch for cryin' out loud! God bless America and god bless Lil' Chad!

Roads? Where we're goin, we don't need roads

Found. Jesus. Really. He was just chillin at the park with his ipod and rippin air guitar, so I asked him if he needed a lift. Now he just rides on my dashboard and watches the speed zones for me. Such a nice fellow.

Shirts off!

Lost. This guy's shirt. One might presume that it was warm on this bright and sunny day, but one would be wrong. If you have the shirt, give it back. Please.

I don't read so good

Found on the river today. Clearly, this lovely tree ornament was intended for the Teacher Of The Year but never reached its destination. If you are the Teacher Of The Year, step up and claim your prize. And no Mr. Otis, it isn't you.

I can fix it

Found!!!!!! My Mad Dog 20/20 tool kit. Thank God.

The Vis

Lost. My doggy. Ok, we gave him away when I was in 7th grade because my mom didn't want him shredding the curtains at the new house. So, I stole this one. He is old, howls at shadows on the wall, and likes to wipe his eye snot on my pants in the morning before I go to work but other than that, a damn fine replacement.

Shark!

Found. But more like harpooned. A big fish in the murky depths. By this old dude. He invited me into his hut for a breakfast sandwhich. Then he threw a spear into an icy hole and asked me to pull on the rope attached. He suggested we take the creature home and cut him up into steaks. How can one object to a man who needs a four-pronged stick to get around?

Howdy

Welcome. Please don't hurt me, for I am a delicate flower. Feel free to pollinate and share your own version of life wreckage, baggage, findage, and other trinkets. (note to PETA: look away)