tax dollars at work

Lost. Any semblance of intelligence. Approximately 80% (this may be conservative) of road signs in Alaska have at least one bullet hole in them. If said road sign is telling you not to do something, or such an action may bring consequences, well, you can go ahead and multiple that number by 15. Who pays for new road signs again??? (editor's note: check out my funky artwork)

Hooked

Found. The most trite pun of all time. But this guy loves to fish I tell ya. And he is good at it. When he's not catching himself.

Migraine Alert!

Found. Sage advice. My girlfriend took this course to prevent getting her head lopped off by a helicopter. It totally worked. Thanks copter safety man. Plus, I'm glad I'm not dating a 7 foot freak who can't catch her own head. You gotta look it in.

Leggo my ego

Lost. An ego. How refreshing. Anyone willing to be seen in a Mazda convertible has clearly given up. Any bets on whether or not he wears sweatpants to work?

B A N A N A S!

Found. A dude willing to put on a gorilla suit for 3 plus hours, wallow in his own sweat and BO, to be compensated with point-blank cleavage. Let's face it: He's not getting paid for this, and there are a few thousand guys waiting for him to quit. Creepy or genius? Creepy genius.

Rootin' Tootin'

Found. Yosemite Sam hot sauce. It comes a blazin'. At breakfast no less. I don't see any reason to draw, however. Wyatt, Doc, Billy, and the boys are long gone. It's just hot sauce.

Nailed!

Found. Quite possibly the largest hammer in existence. "Duh, Troutslayer", you say, "It's outside the Hammer Museum in Haines, Alaska." "Hammer museum?", I say, "No such thing." To which you reply, "It's taller than a friggin' telephone pole. It's an big MC Hammer." "Hmmm", I say, "Can't touch this!"

In the red

Lost. T-shirt. Eyeballs. Feet. I mean, who brings a blind, shirtless, footless baby on a subway and lets them fumble about unattended? Bad things bound to happen here, you dig?

Let's start with family, shall we?

Lost. Genetics 101. We can't erase our parents. Can we?

What will it take to get you in this car today?

Lost. A lemon. Dammit, so I grabbed a goddamn grapefruit instead. But still, imagine a car, and a lemon, and a lemon in a car. I would have unlimited leverage..and jokes...to play with salesmen/dorks, for trade-in value.

Pass the soap

Found. A fur-ball in my hotel shower. I paid for the highway noise and the privilege to stay next to a crack-head, but was completely unaware of the shower rights.

Goin Once? Goin...ah, shit...

Lost. 4 wheels. Yup. 4 wheels. And a clutch...carburator...whatever it takes to make a vehicle go forth. Hey scoob, no ghosts!!!!

Baseball Fever. Catch it!

Lost. My understanding of women. Green Man has a girlfriend. How? Why?

Steak dinner

Found. Dancing girls equipped with quivers. And good shots at that. Beware fellas. Beware.

Medical Marvel

Found. Jack. Currently residing in Arizona. And apparently with fingers reattached. You would have to actually follow this blog to get this reference, so, never mind.

Starlite Starbrite

Found. Fisher -Santa. Ho-ho-holy mackeral! "Christmas was months ago", you say. To which Troutslayer replies, "Leave me alone. Happy New Year."

All weather radials

Lost. The Michelin Snowman. Almost as elusive as the Sasquatch. Must have 4 wheel drive, Onstar and a corn-cob pipe holder. Yeah, I don't get it either. Not the corn-cob pipe, the blog.

Which came first?

The beer bong or the frisbee? Who knows? Lost. College memories. Many, many, pre-game football memories...game football memories...post-game football memories. You get the idea. On a safety note, at least we all rode that bike home.

Here kitty kitty

Found. A serious discussion between myself and this girl, regarding the dimensions of her hand. "Do you have extremely small hands?", I ask. "No", she replies, "this mountain lion is extremely large." "Oh, in that case, do you know of any nearby port-o-potties?"

Just the essentials

Lost. Toothpicks. Vodka, whiskey, bloody mary mix and beer; whew!. Beef jerky; yes sir. Propane and charcoal; of course. Water; sure. Coffee presser; you didn't see that. A couple fishing rods soaking in a pot; check. Now where the hell are those toothpicks?

What a grand place

Found. A huge friggin' canyon somewhere in Arizona. So huge, I'd bet you could see it from space. Someone should write about this place. Seriously, its pretty big.